i am caps

Disclaimer:

In 2007, when I fully grasped what Apartheid was, South Africa became my dream destination because of the similarities with America. I wanted to understand the socioeconomic impact of Apartheid.

Right before visiting a lot of people cautioned me about visiting Johannesburg and advised I skip it and solely do Cape Town.

All photos taken with iPhone 6s.

Shout out to my travel crew: DJ, IV, Tiff, & OB. My travel experience is nothing without you all.

Before I get started, I think context means a lot (actually, context is everything) so here’s a semi quick recent history spill.

South Africa is the most southern country on the continent of Africa, geographically located in the southern hemisphere. It is the most richest as well due to the discovery of 20% of the world’s supply in gold in the 1800s.

South Africa was “discovered” by Europeans in the 1450s by Portuguese explorers. The Portuguese used South Africa as a trade port for spices and others goods and shit until the 1600’s.

The Dutch and the British then came and colonized South Africa from the span of 1600-1900. There was a lot of land and resource pilferage as a result. This caused displacement and subjugation of the native tribes like the Zulu, Xhosa, Bantu, etc. The Dutch brought in slaves from Indonesia, Malaysia, India, and other African countries for mining and land cultivation.

(Also, have you heard of the Berlin Conference? In 1884, 13 European countries + America decided how they were going to divide the continent of Africa up among each other for their own control.)

There were several conflicts & battles between the native tribes and the Anglo’s, where probably hundreds of thousands if not millions of native South Africans men, women, and children were killed (I didn’t do the research, just a shallowly educated assumption.)

Due to the conflict between the British and the Dutch, the British eventually dominated and put the Dutch into concentration camps and allowed tens of thousands Dutch prisoners to die from deprivation and violence. (see Amersfoort Concentration Camp)

In 1948, white nationalists (finally) implemented Apartheid to (legally. This system already informally existed) establish institutional racial segregation (the three categories of segregation were: white/colored/African – “Colored” in South Africa means mixed blood). The color of your skin dictated access to housing, public spaces, and employment opportunities (keep in mind this culture already existed for atleast a hundred years, however, it was finally implemented into law following the example of America’s Jim Crow). Black South Africans had to carry a passbook at all times to monitor and validate local travelling or be sent to prison. It was illegal for them to be in white spaces without permission.

(Sound like America yet?)

Through Apartheid, resistance and liberation organizations like the African National Congress (ANC – Founded in 1912) and South African Student Organization (SASO – Founded in 1968) arose. The ANC is where Nelson Mandela became recognized as a national leader. And Steve Biko established SASO, which would later be called the Black Consciousness Movement. I would equate the ANC & SASO to American organizations like the SNCC, SCLC, and the Black Panthers. The ANC’s primary goal was to end Apartheid through structural change. This mission would fall off and evolve as leadership changes due to several of the leading freedom fighters being sentenced to lifetime imprisonment by 1968.  Steve Biko’s SASO would step in to lead the way during the 1970’s for liberation. SASO/BCM also shared ANC’s goal but also sought psychological change. Their thought was, there was no point in demanding structural change (changing the laws) if we didn’t address the psychological influence hundreds of years of subjugation would cause to a people operating under a system still being oversought by white people. Steve Biko was killed under police detention in 1977.

(For clarification, the representation of these organizations were a reflection of the overall country. Majority of the freedom fighters were black Africans, but there were also a several white and Indian freedom fighters. South Africa was fairly diverse from colonization and the import of slaves from East and Southeast Asian countries)

In 1990, Nelson Mandela being one of the hundreds of ANC freedom fighters imprisoned for the past 27 years away from the struggle, was released and negotiated a treaty to end Apartheid.

Apartheid ended in 1994. There’s much dispute over if the treaty was in the best interest of the African/Colored people. The agreement was that Apartheid would end, black people would be enfranchised again, and through the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), any person that committed atrocities during it could confess their wrongdoings and be forgiven with no further consequence as an act of reconciliation. Black South Africans felt it too lenient and that black people still received the short end of the stick, so they felt Mandela sold them out for his own freedom or that he lost touch with what the struggle was from being disconnected from the movement due to prison isolation. However, there are still many black people that view Mandela as a symbol for freedom and determination (the need for symbols in any society is fascinating).

Ok, now lets move on to my experience.

I hella fux with South Africa. Oddly though, first thing I noticed as I arrived in the O.R. Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg (South African airport), was most the women looked like Nelson Mandela (this observation would soon become debunked). I was conflicted.

I visited two cities/provinces (a province is equivalent to a state), Johannesburg and Cape Town. Johannesburg is reminiscent of a New York City and Cape Town a San Diego. Johannesburg being more dense, inland, and having taller projects like buildings (also blacker). Cape Town being more coastal with newer developments and shorter buildings to preserve the iconic scenery surrounding it like Tabletop Mountain with along with the other mountain ranges, lush forestry, and the Indian Ocean (also whiter).

Johannesburg resembled New York City except it wasn’t along any water. There’s about 4.5 million people there and very dense with hella 30 plus story residential buildings. I noticed a lot of poverty and low-to-middle class people there.

I stayed in a newly “gentrified” arts & culture district called the Maboneng Precinct. The thing about South Africa is that it is 85% black, however, white people still control majority of the wealth and power. So the art district was hella black, but the building and housing was owned by the Dutch. Anyways, the neighborhood was dope. Majority of the buildings were renovated warehouses converted into lofts and work spaces. Everything I needed was within a 2 block radius: bars, restaurants, independent theater, craft beer, grocery, museums, cafes, arts, shopping, and dope graffiti.

While in Maboneng Precint, I randomly linked up with the homie, Martin, from the Bay (he ironically was in South Africa working on his PhD dissertation and I didn’t even know it) and made new friends, Beno & Nandi from Johannesburg. We saw James Baldwin’s “I Am Not Your Negro” at a quaint independent theater in the neighborhood. I saw the same documentary in Seattle a few months ago in an audience that was 75% white. Watching it again in South Africa, had a different feeling. I think the first time I was too busy trying to sense the level of empathy within the theater because as always, I wonder what people think about the testimony of sincere black pain. The second time though I felt more in tuned with what was being said in the documentary even more interesting, I’m on another continent, different environment and I could feel everyone in this South African theater was feeling it too. (also, although the documentary was based in the 1960’s, 45’s first 9 months of presidency and the controversial events surrounding it, made it feel hella more relevant!),

Afterwards, me and Martin grabbed a beer next door at the craft beer spot. A few minutes later a random South African couple (Beno & Nandi), that saw the documentary too, noticed we were American and asked us what we thought about it. During the next 5 hours, 4 newly acquainted strangers  drank 2 bottles of wine, a 5th of Johnny Walker, a pack of ciggs, and shared music, our experiences and ideas regarding “I Am Not Your Negro”

I stayed in Sandton, an affluent suburb of Johannesburg, at a player ass Beverly Hills mansion looking airbnb. I didn’t like that shit.

Next up Cape Town.

Cape Town was hella photogenic and beautiful. Also, in comparison to Johannesburg, hella white. (It’s also WINDY AS FUCK!!!)

Oh yeah, let me add that around these well known cities are these shanty house type towns called Townships. During Apartheid, blacks were isolated to only living in the townships while white people got to stay in the city. So as you’re driving from the airport, outside of the city into the city, you drive by these townships while looking towards the “big city” in the skyline.

You instantly notice how iconic Tabletop Mountain and the mountain range that connects it to the ocean is.

We stayed at a pretty dope Airbnb. The host was a white couple from Cape Town. The husband was a musician, handyman, and a gardener. The condo had all those elements. Vinyl records everywhere. Throwback musical equipment like 8 track players, record players, super 8 film recorders, and hella other shit that I don’t even know the name for. The patio was on the third story and was as wide as the condo itself and had plants and small trees all over the place. It was like a mini oasis. The wife was in safari sales and was away in Zimbabwe, Namibia, and Botswana for work.

IMG_7942

So like I said, Cape town was hella white compared to Johannesburg, it also had a super chill Cali vibe. The cool thing about Cape Town is that you could easily lose yourself marveling at all the beauty of nature around you (if you’re living in the city or driving on the freeway that is. I imagine the experience is different if you live in the townships).

There’s an Alcatraz type prison in Cape Town called Robbens Island. It’s existed as a prison for hundreds of years operated by the Portuguese, Dutch and British throughout the years but during Apartheid, it was solely used to house political prisoners (FREEDOM FIGHTERS). It’s where Nelson Mandela and hundreds of other freedom fighters from anti-Apartheid organization were sentenced to serve life terms. Well we took a ferry and visited it and yeah, its pretty much like Alcatraz. Imprisoned on an island with a dope ass view of the city skyline on the other side of the prison walls. The prison is now shutdown and accessible for prison tours and nuptial rituals (yes, people get married there annually at some church on a certain day. Hella weird!)

Went to the most Southwestern point of the African continent called Cape of Good Hope. Hella beautiful. Saw some ostriches, penguins, baboons and hella other random creatures of this Earth.

Also visited a winery in Cape Town (I think like 8% of the world’s wines come from South Africa. I can’t remember and don’t feel like looking it up. Feel free to though). That was pretty dope. Once again, imagine a vineyard with the mountain range as a back drop? Saucy.

Awww man!!! I went to the most beautifullest Botanical Gardens in my life. First off, I don’t even really care about botanical gardens that much, you see one plant you’ve seen them all lol jk (but I’ve only visited botanical gardens because the women I’ve dated always wanted to go). I think I have a different appreciation for them now. Hella plants, trees, and bird sounds I’ve never heard of or seen. If you ever get the opportunity and you hella love nature, you must go to the Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens.

Hmmm what else was dope?

We went to the District Six museum and learned about the housing displacement. District Six used to be a diverse innercity neighborhood in Cape Town that became segregated through Apartheid and black people were moved out and mixed families were ripped apart, allowing white people to remain, but all the black and colored people were displaced with no alternative but to go to the townships. This was a pretty popular narrative of Apartheid, most notably mentioned and experienced by South Africa’s new pride and Daily Show Host, Trevor Noah (Trevor Noah and his mother was forced to separate from his white father due to Apartheid laws). The whole thing really made me rethink the effects of displacement and housing access by way of gentrification and redlining.

I visited one of the oldest townships in Cape Town called Langa. It was enlightening to see the conditions the people were living in and to hear their optimism and determination to overcome it with education for themselves and their children. Many people in the Langa township speak very highly of Nelson Mandela.

Visited the Apartheid Museum in Johannesburg.

Although there is so many more experiences to share, I’m cutting those off here so I can list some notable take aways:

• South Africa is damn near like America, except its 85% black vs America only being 15% black. However majority think they America is 50% black because of what they see in the entertainment industry (we need to accept how powerful the media is in controlling the perceptions of people, globally)
• The fact that a country could have a very identical legacy but the polar opposite with the small minority overruling the land is fucking baffling and telling at the same time.
• The psychological trauma of being 2nd class citizens for hundreds of years doesn’t discriminate if your the majority or minority of the population
• The importance of considering and addressing the psychological trauma when creating structural change (legal system). The people need to feel empowered. (Consider women that are subjected to domestic violence situations and the trauma that comes with that, and how long it takes for them to overcome it. Then consider an entire group of people experiencing similar scenarios for hundreds of years and how long it takes to overcome it)
• The importance of establishing easily accessible means of equity/reparation (in the form of education, adequate housing, economic/empowering opportunities)
• There seemed to be an understanding of the complexities of the country’s history and a degree of acceptance that in order to move on, all races and cultures would have to forgive and accept forgiveness and become a better nation together.
• South African women are baaaaadddddd (I take back what I said earlier)

Last but not least, FOOD PICTURES!!! (The food in South Africa was ok, nothing to write home about. Thailand still has the best food for an overall country so far to me. I feel like whenever I visit West/East African countries tho, it could give Thailand a run for its money)

Fried Chicken sandwich & Oysters (probably some of the best oysters I’ve had)

Bobotie (a native South African dish with minced beef and a baked egg on top. This was actually hella good)

Some hipster shit

A BBQ platter with ribs, chicken wings, fried fish, oxtails, calamari, mac & cheese (This was actually hella good too)

Some more hipster shit

Fancy Pizza!!!

Some seared fish. It was ehhh.

Some chicken wings and fries with peri peri sauce from club!

Goat curry! This dish was pretty good too.

(to my 65 year old self)

Wassup Triple OG!!!

I hope I’m healthy and strong still and didn’t catch that damn cancer yet or get a hip replacement. Shit, I hope I’m alive and functioning period lol.

I’ve been trying to take good care of myself for me, but sometimes I get caught up in living in the moment and getting lit and I neglect myself. I know I’m looking back and thinking “damn, I was a wild boy back then” lol. But I have definitely calmed down a bit compared to where I was 3-5 years ago, and I am exercising, drinking plenty water, and making peace with myself to avoid the acceleration of mental deterioration along the way. So I still feel pretty good.

I hope all my family and friends are thriving and living exceptional lives.

How’s life been the future 30 years? Anything crazy happen? America still runnin thangs? Have I done anything that would impress me? If I know me (which I’m still getting to know), I’m sure I did something. Did I ever attain the type of liberating love I wanted? Or did I realize that it may be a fallacy or not applicable to me? Have I mastered our energy yet? What do I believe in? What do I love? What have I accomplished? I hope I’m a grandfather or something by now and bestowing our wisdom on our offspring.

I recently had this epiphany where I’m trying to plan out my thought process & growth down the line. I’ve been so accustomed to creating plans for other parts of my life like education, career paths, and making money, but I never really considered the path of my thought process or spirituality. It’s kinda crazy because I was reading some shit I wrote years ago and it was so fascinating how differently I think and articulate things compared to now. So I can’t wait to see how I think in 30 years.

Am I still borderline sexist and ain’t shit? Surely not. That shit is childish and immature *hairflip* lol. The older I get, do I become more cynical or optimistic?

I also want to know what drives or motivates me by that time. My priorities and motives have shifted so much since I was a kid, I know it’s going to be ongoing.

Lol whats “race” like in the future? People still trippin and cant get along? That shit is hella stupid. With that said, I hope I’ve transcended it myself lol.

What would the 65 year old me tell the 35 year old me if I could? Should I stop being an antagonist? I’m sure I’d insist that I commit to something beyond myself, in due time my G lol.

I’ll continue to work on myself for me to ensure we are of a sound mind and physical shape by then, or whatever I can that’s within my control. Whatever else, I will let be and improvise from there.

I hope I still love me.

-caps

(to my 12 year old self)

Sup lil blood?

Feels like I haven’t talked to you in a minute. Naw, I’m lyin. I hit you up damn near every month just to catch on some shit we used to do.

But yeah man. I hope you coo.

How’s school? I hope you stickin with it. I remember how much you loved it.

Dont let your anger & abandonment hold you back. It wasn’t his fault or yours. He didn’t know himself or you that much to be any different. We’re all dealing with something and we may not have the wisdom to understand the impact of our actions in real time. So stop harboring all that resentment, it dont look good on you lol.

Besides, it wasn’t that bad. Your mom did a good job making sure you’re good. Plus you have your sister, brother, and friends there too.

We was still outside playing and shit. Strikeout, kickball, “smear the queer”, (by the way, we had some stupid & offensive ass names for things as kids), foot races in the streets with no shoes on because we’re obviously faster in socks, 3 flies out, concrete tackle football (i’m surprised you still alive lol). Doin hella shit.

You were hella raw at kickball and spelling. Those were the good ol days.

I know you felt like all the moving around and changing schools was unfair, but hey, some of that shit was on you, you were fucking up (just cuz I cuss doesn’t mean you can. I’m an adult now so I can do what I want. I’ll stick you in your chest if I catch you saying it). It’ll help define who you are. Enjoy the ride.

Stop being a dick to your mom and sister lol.

I know you’re not sure about who you are right now, but you’ll figure it out. You’ll probably learn something new about yourself until your last breath. I feel you if you brush me off right now, I know you can’t understand the context of what I’m saying and the relationship of time right now, but it’ll become more and more clear and relevant the older you get. It’s a serious mindfuck bro for real).

This probably sounds hella boring to you right now and you’re probably trying to finish watching cartoons or go play. I can dig it. Keep doin what you’re doing. Find characteristics that you like from the people you admire and practice them as if they’re your own (characteristics are things about a person, for instance, you like to laugh, thats a characteristic. Your mom likes to help people, helping is a characteristic). It’s ok to do that.

Anyways, keep it player (but not in a sexist way lol)

I’ll holla at you later. I’d hug you if I were there.

Love you man.

You.

(this is probably going to read like a guy that breaks up with the love of his life and settles for another girl, only to constantly compare his new girl to his old girl…)

Thailand (April 2015):

Earlier this year I went to Thailand with 2 friends over the course of 11 days. I endured over $1000 of adversity which was a combination of several missed flights, breaking bar windows, and crashing mopeds, and even with all that, Thailand was still one of my favorite international experiences.

FOOD!!! Thai food has all of my favorite elements in majority of their dishes. Sweet, Spicy, Salty, and Sour. Their four primary ingredients tend to be include lime juice, fish sauce, palm sugar, thai chilis.

Favorite dishes: Green Papaya Salad, Tom Yum/Kha soup, Pad Thai, Sticky Rice w/ Mango, plenty of garlic chili chicken dishes, Pineapple Fried Rices, fresh coconut water, watermelon smoothies. And all of these options were available in the street food.

Culture: 90% of Thai people are Buddhist. The same way hoods have tons of churches, most Thai cities have tons of Buddhist temples (Wat’s) but without the crime and degradation associated with it like in America. One of Buddhisms primary teachings is tolerance and it is quite evident in how Thai people interact with their fellowman regardless of nationality, religion, gender, creed, etc.

I also learned that the concept of Jedi’s (Star Wars) derived from Buddhism, and Buddhism derived from the Egyptian Priesthood which were essentially Jedi’s protecting Egyptian and Ethiopian Royal Lineage until they were conquered by that whole Mesopotamia stuff (remember learning that in High School? Never thought it would be one day relevant to my life), forcing those Egyptian Priesthood to flee East towards India/Southeast Asia and spread their teachings/gospel currently known as Buddhism.

Being a black-American, I’m hyper sensitive and conditioned to getting mysterious and worrisome looks when I travel areas that are dominated by white culture, so it was refreshing…rather unnoticeable that people didnt notice me or treat me like a nuisance, novelty, or a threat.

Also, Thailand is the only Southeast Asian country not to be colonized by any Western power, so their culture has remained in tack since its inception. Which also means they weren’t ravaged by war.

Vietnam (November 2015):

I had fun in Vietnam (I can have fun anywhere), with that said, Vietnam felt mediocre compared to my experience with Thailand. I went with 8 people over the course of 10 days. Everything went fairy according to budgetly planned. With more people you always run into the possibility of group dynamic conflicts Cost of living compared to the US is obviously cheaper in Vietnam, I’d say most thing were half the cost of what it would be in the US, food, accommodation, shopping, etc.

To understand the difference in experience it’s important to understand the recent history of Vietnam. In the past 100 years Vietnam has been colonized by Japan and France, prior to that, they were colonized by China for over a millennium (1,000 years). Colonization tends to replace the existing culture for the culture of the incoming country. Culture displacement/replacement. (i.e. The colonization of Africa via the Berlin Conference…Gentrification of major American cities is microcosm of how colonization works)

Most people are already familiar with the Vietnam War with the US (that’s where Lorenz Tate, Chris Tucker, and Bokeem Woodbine were fighting in Dead Presidents) of the 1970’s because of Vietnam’s Communist relationship with the USSR (Russia). The war and chemicals used, devastated the infrastructure, health, and psyches of the Vietnamese. In the early 1990s they began to prioritize revitalizing its infrastructure and developing its economy, so they decided to open its borders up to the rest of the world, creating global interest.

It typically takes at least 100 years (I just made that # up, but it sounds believable, right?) to create a sound infrastructure for an entire country, so here we are 40 years removed from a devastating war and 20 years into building an infrastructure in a very rural (countryside) country with 2 hugely dense metropolitan cities in Ho Chi Minh City and Hanoi (each of those cities house between 8 million people each). Shit was still fucked up and the upcoming generation was diligently striving to overcome it.

Vietnam is also an impoverished/Third World country (A Third World country is a country whose views are not aligned with NATO and capitalism or the Soviet Union and communism. The use of the term Third World started during the Cold War and was used to identify which of three categories the countries of the world aligned with. The First World meant that you aligned withe NATO and capitalism, and the Second World meant you supported Communism and the Soviet Union.) Most of our clothes, shoes, and other products are manufactured in Vietnam (check the labels of your clothes and shoes) because of cheap, exploited labor. So it seems like most the people are merely trying to survive.

As a result of all that, it cultivated a pervasive attitude where everything is 1st come 1st serve, especially in the big cities where they majority of the money funnels through due to business systems and tourism. Imagine being at a car dealership with over eager car salesmen badgering you to buy their car, now imagine that with flea market/swap meet products. Also throw in hella homeless women with children with puppy dog eyes and their hands out.

OK, thats enough context.

Food: Ehhhh, wasn’t a fan of the food. No particular reason why beyond not being able to understand what was in it. I had mediocre Pho and whatever else. I did have this bomb ass native fish called Cha Ca that you cook at the table.

The higher end restaurants had decent food, but I truly believe the strength of a countries food is related to how good their street food is. And Vietnam’s was merely “aiight” to me. I would’ve preferred a McDonalds Filet o’ Fish 😀

Culture: As my context previously described, because of the 2 stints of colonization from Japan and France, the influence of Communism, and the American War, Vietnam’s identity wasn’t clearly in tact. There were few customs that stood out beyond people aggressively trying to get in where they fit in. I saw very few religious institutions and schools. Just hella people trying to figure it out. The younger generation was working towards assimilating into the worldly ways of the super power (First World) countries i.e. France, Japan, USA, the UK, etc. So they were more open to new ways versus the older generation wasn’t as open to the change.

Being black there was different than Thailand. As a large group of black people in an ethnically Asian dominant country with minimal exposure to us real ones, we got a few pictures taken of us and even got FaceTimed during a taxi ride so the driver could prove to his friends and family that he was with black people.

My favorite experience of Vietnam was our 2 day/1 night trip in Ha Long Bay. Ha Long Bay is one of the 7 Natural Wonders of the World. It’s a bay of hundreds of limestone formed islands with forestry covering it. It’s a huge tourist attraction where they have hundreds of junk boats (mini boat cruises with 12 to 24 cabins on board) going out every day touring the vast bay. We got to go kayaking through caves, swim, meal buffets, yoga, tai chi, and take a spring roll cooking class.

All in all, I’m quite certain if I went to Vietnam before Thailand, my perspective and experience would have been different.

Here’s some slap I recorded while wondering the streets of Vietnam:

*it aint trickin if you got it*

I wrote about this encounter I had with an elderly lady at a futuristic thinkers conference in San Francisco in 2007. I almost forgot about this encounter, but thanks to Timehop for reminding me about this moment. I never realize how much I’ve grown or changed until I read this old experiences. It reminds that there is always room for growth and refining.

I’m disappointed that I don’t remember her name.

she told me she admired me and that i gave her the best laugh shes had in awhile and she needed it.

we talked about the warriors, online gambling sites, sambo kids eating watermelon, why preachers get gift bags for delivering prayers over food, and ways to help society.

we talked about the future and what it would be like. i told her several hopeful ideas and how it could be, and i even countered myself and told her i was scared of the future. i was scared because i dont know if people consider the future. i dont know how prepared they are for it. i dont know if they are strong enough for it. but most importantly, i didnt know if they were in control of their future.

she asked me how could someone who speaks so much of the millions of hopeful ideas that exist, think so negatively about it. i assumed i was starting to become jaded by my environment. then i realized the way i was thinking, many before me may have as well. and they eventually settled into those denigrated thoughts. jaded by their environment and for the future of their people.

i saw the look in her eyes and knew she didnt believe me. she knew it was merely an excuse.

then i told her how i really felt.

i told her that as long as i am alive there is always hope and the same for everyone else that feels as i do. and that although from time to time i get weary and weak, remembering my ancestors struggles, sacrifices, and the rich legacy they laid, renews my strength.

i told her that my jaded responses were a reflection of a fear, of doubt, within me that i didnt know how to confront yet, simply because i ultimately felt alone.

i told her i didnt think anyone understands me or understands what i do. that they dont understand me because i strive for something that even i dont quite understand yet. that everything i go for has been purely intuitive. that old apple jacks commercial feeling that cant be explained. that i do everything randomly and ironically like it is in some divine plan, after i do it it all makes sense. a dot is connected.

she then asked me why do i do what i do.

i told her because i feel like im supposed to. that it was done for me and i am returning the favor. and vice versa, that once upon a time i felt a certain way and i didnt want the next person to feel that same way. i told her about my experiences as a child with no father, no guidance from a man, no one to show me the way. i told her how easily influenced i was because i had no sense of who i was. i told her my anger problems. i told her about my vices. i told her about how i got kicked out the marines and how i went to jail.

and she listened with a warm smile. and again, she told me she admired me.

and again, i cracked a few more jokes, and she told me how much she needed that. and i smiled.

i would do anything to make her smile again.

she listened to me when the room wouldnt.

she heard my ideas on what could be done and she believed them.

she was a woman that just wanted to hear my story.

she told me i was different.

i like that lady. actually, i love her.

ive been yearning to write this experience down so i can capture it in its freshness so i can reflect back on it when i get down.

she was a seasoned woman. maybe in her 60’s or 70’s. and my spirit connected with hers as a grandmother-grandson would.

after everything was all said and done, i told her thank you for listening to me and that i apologized for talking so much about myself, that i sometimes have an arrogance about the things i do and that i was working on it.

she responded back saying that “you are so awake and aware of what you do that you are ahead of your time. i thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings with me. you have exceptional ideas and i would like to work with you and share some of my thoughts with you. if you could see yourself you would have no reason to even think as jaded as you did. you have brought me hope.”

we exchanged contact information and she told me that if i havent heard from her in a couple of months to contact her.

inside me, i was scared to wait a couple of months to see if she would contact me. like giving a girl your number you liked. i was hoping she would contact me the next week, or maybe even the next day. i told her i would probably contact her sooner, and she said that would be fine.

one of the things that was ironic though is, when i greeted myself to her, i did it with intentions of getting to know her and her history and understand why this elderly lady was at a futuristic thinkers conference. i knew she had a lot of information to share, but she kept insisting to learn about me.

instead, she helped me get to know me by listening to me without telling me what i should do, what i needed to do. she simply wanted to hear my story and it felt like a relief to tell her.

Few decisions in life are ever simple when they impact lives of people you love.

Yet, however complicated my reasoning, my decision to move to Seattle was relatively simple.

As my spirit desires, so shall I.

I’ve always intended to document my initial thought process for moving to Seattle from Oakland but my mind was afflicted with procrastination aka I was cattin. A year later, I finally feel the ambition and clarity to write it.

To start off, the catalyst to my decision was for job relocation with more pay and responsibility. At the time of the job offer, I felt under-stimulated with my current role and didn’t foresee any real opportunity for growth. This job relocation opportunity marginally fulfilled those voids.

I’ve had an interest in Seattle (Pacific NorthWest) for the past few years prior to visiting the summer of 2014. After I moved back from Washington DC in December 2010, I didn’t have the desire to live anywhere else. Two years later being home in the Bay, the idea of Seattle suddenly became a blip on my radar. Not sure where this inclination came from but I know that the idea of living in an area with eternal rain with a city/scenic landscape seemed like my type of adventure. I never been before by this was my interpretation. It seemed like a place where I’d be able to live in nature and still be apart of the city. I also assumed that type of scene would be conducive to an aspiring writer.

As my Seattle interest developed, the popularization of Seattle’s socio-economic policies caught my attention. One of these policies was Washington state’s legalization of marijuana. Not much for me to comment on that lol.

Another was the raising of minimum wage to a living wage, $15/hr. A few years ago I did policy research and organizing, analyzing the minimum wage for each of the 7 Bay Area counties and its cities to support policies that reflected raising wages to living wages to keep up with the quickly rising cost of living in the Bay. So with Seattle being the first metropolitan city to introduce a $15/hr minimum wage, I was curious to what its true effects would be.

A third was the technology boom occurring. Seattle has been a technological hub ever since the inception of Microsoft complemented with Boeing headquarters. It has exponentially grown in the past 15 years with the rise of Amazon, which is also headquartered. These major corporation spawned a plethora of other businesses that helped establish a world class tech market comparable to Silicon Valley and Tokyo, but on the under. Seattle isn’t popular known for these industries to those who live outside of it.

In my recent years living in the Bay, I had hella fun. Like I was hella happy with my social life and everything else was cool. Life was hella comfortable. So comfortable that after awhile everything started feeling redundant and monotonous despite the variety of activities and travelling. Although I was making strides in my spiritual and professional development, I didn’t feel like I was developing at a rate to my liking. I felt stagnant. There were certain aspects of my life I wanted to change but I lacked the discipline to follow through on them because of my desire to remain constantly active within my environment.

So when my employer asked me to consider relocating to Seattle, I instantly knew it’s what I wanted to do.

The conflict in my decision was abandoning my family, my nephews and nieces during their coming of age, my friends, and the legacy I was creating. I was knowingly abandoning comfort. I was abandoning home. I was abandoning what I hella loved, to explore an area where I knew no one. And despite the fears of leaving what I knew and loved, I was more excited with the prospect of living in solitude to get to know and love myself more in depth.

This is my first experience living in an environment where I knew no one prior to moving there. Where I had no associations or affiliations. I’d be a legit nobody. It was an opportunity to be brand new and live in temporary discomfort and learn how to grow out of it. It is a welcoming challenge to apply my life experience solo bolo. I’d get to explore and meet people on my own reconnaissance without the conducive institutional social incubators like a school or military.

So as complex my reasoning, my decision to move to Seattle was easy and I’m still capable of being apart of my loved ones lives however satellite I am from them.

I’ll be back…

a blog I wrote a few months ago on my iPhone

I recently had my iPod on shuffle and 3 songs within 5 had “want” in the title. That menial fact stood out merely because I’m trying shake wanting someone (and as the fraudulent “laws of attraction” theory goes, when you think about something enough it starts revealing itself…Apple’s iTunes fuck ass shuffle algorithm dun mastered the law of attraction.)

So the independent researcher I (think I) am attempted to rationalize a conclusion based on a question and a few facts.

What does the music I put on my phone say about my interests?

I began with a search in my phone for songs with “want” in it to get an accurate percentage of songs.

17 songs out of 2,618. Statistically typing, that’s less than 1% (0.6%).

To offer some more context to this meager # I decided to compare it with other keywords that I felt were popular in the lexicon among my prefered genres.

I shallowly decided to use the words “love”, “hate”, “you”, “me”, “black”, “white” (and to spice it up a bit and to reflect my true “urban” taste, I also decided to test the words “bitch” & “nigga” – this is not a co-sign or endorsement for men/misogynists & non-black people to use these words, just a reflection of my musical selections.)

Love = 213, 8.1%
Hate = 5, 0.2%
You = 278 (includes youth/young…I didn’t feel like weeding out the songs since I’m typing this str8 from my iPhone ) 10.6%
Me = 206, 7.9%
Black = 74, 2.8%
White = 9, 0.3%
Fuck = 17, 0.6%
Bitch = 16, 0.6%
Nigga = 22, 0.8%

My first conclusion is that, I’m hella glad “love & you” dominated the song titles versus the latter three words searched. Love is a beautiful subject and I feel good knowing that majority of the songs I listen to encourage some level of love.

Other than that, I can only say I have a variety of musical tastes & interests and this janky ass research is inconclusive lol. But feel free to try it yourself.

Methodology: search keywords in “songs” category (artist & album names included, I ain’t got time to do a legit QA/QC check of qualified songs since I’m doing this str8 from my iPhone!)

So far, 2011 has been a year where I start my life over from scratch (it appears to happen every 5 years). I’m learning to dismiss past accomplishments, experiences, and lifestyles to avoid any sense of privilege and entitlement I arrogantly thought I deserved. I’ve lived out of 3 duffle bags, a recently purchased $50 twin size bed from Big Lots and  4 different couches. The first few months I did a series of odd jobs while working on a plan to re-establish myself. First 5 months of the year I was only able to hustle up enough money to pay my cell phone bill. I confronted and shedded all unhealthy notions of what I felt was ultimate failure. I am understanding and learning to let go. It’s been about 10 months since I’ve decided to go back to the drawing boards on the plan for my life. My state of mind and sense of hope have improved since…

I always got a story to tell…

4/7

11:22am
Headed to the bus stop to get to the airport.

11:27am
1 block before the bus stop, I see my bus go by. Fuck. (It was supposed to arrive at 11:31am). No biggie, I still got time.

12:25pm
Talked to a blind guy named Nate on the train. I was sitting in the handicapped seats with my head 1[-1– and almost got sat on. Nate was heading home to wash clothes and pack because he was going to his hometown for 3 weeks.

1:11pm
Missed my plane to thailand because I was a minute late for check-in. Had to pay the “gratious” (according to the Delta rep) $300 flight change penalty, leaving 24 hours later. (The bus I missed earlier was contingent on a transfer, which caused me to arrive 45 min later than intended)

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/otks.gif

Shady part is I’m meeting friends at the final destination and the hotels and additional flights are in my name.

Burnt.

2:47pm
On the frustrated and irritated train ride home, this fat, old white man sitting directly in front of me, leaned over to the right at a slight acute angle and let good 3 second fart rip out. I responded with an audible “BLOOD!! WTF?!?! DONT EVER DO THAT SHIT AGAIN!!!” He ignored me.

I seeked my inner-spirituality to refrain from going postal and prevent this day from being any more tragic.

Fuckin Old Fart.

5pm
I sat at home completely dejected and frustrated about missing and paying dearly for a missed international flight. I had another flight that was contingent on me arriving at a specific time, that was ruined. Tried calling domestic airline of that country and sat on hold for 72 minutes listening to their Kung Fu Hustle soundtrack hold music. Call dropped out.

Fuggit.

8:15pm
*presses play on Mad Max trilogy*

4/8
NEW DAY, NEW ME

7:45am
Consolation to me missing my flight is I finally took the time to do my taxes. MOVING EXPENSES ARE THE SHIT FOR TAX RETURNS!!! Compensated me somewhat for the change flight fees.

*2 shots of scotch, 5 bong hits, and a cup of coffee later – word to Hunter S. Thompson*

8:36am
Heading to the bus stop, I helped some old Habesha ladies unload their car full of costco sized platters of food onto a cart.

8:53am
Spoke with a Moroccan man with a cane and 5 missing bottom teeth while waiting on the bus. He’s lived in a lot of countries and speaks 4 languages. He said, “The key to staying young is traveling and experiencing life.”

9:02am
A lady walked by with her friendly black pit named “Pearl”. Briefly petted and played with friendly ass “Pearl”. That was uplifting.

9:47am
Bought a burrito for plane lunch.

10:06am
There’s this kid on the train that is describing everything he sees and inquiring about the things he doesn’t know…

“How long is that bus?” “What’s that say?” “I see a wall and an orange light high” (we were stopped in a tunnel) “why are the lights way up there and on the side?” …the list goes on.

And his mother/grandmother patiently answered his million and one questions. That’s pretty cool.

10:32am
Checked in for my flight 2 hours on time. Never missing that shit ever again (the aame thing I told myself 3 year ago after almost missing a return flight from London…sorry Camille & Jaevon)

11:36am
Boarding flight and remembering how blessed I am. I am humble and appreciative of everything. Till next post…

Next stop, Korea.

#AirplaneMode

I wiped the crust from my eyes this morning and checked instagram to delightfully awaken to (thanks to my trendy Eastcoast folks) the release of Kendrick Lamar’s “To Pimp A Butterfly” album. I immediately got up and searched for an outlet to listen to it before I began my pre-work rituals. (Soundcloud, check.)

First go round, I let it play in the background as I got ready for work. Nothing caught my ear (that I haven’t already heard). I wasn’t impressed with the first listen (except the faux interview at the end with Tupac.)

(My methodology when listening to new music is, first go round, I passively listen and evaluate how sonically pleasing the songs are i.e. which song productions slap the most or have the best melody. I basically search for songs I can fall in love with at first listen.)

What I realized was, this is not a rap album for that or 808’s lovers. My shallow interpretation was, “this some open mic spoken word shit.”

2nd go round, I turn my antennas on and begin to actively listen to the album i.e. lyrics/content/arrangements.

That’s when it grasped my full attention and provoked me to evaluate this shift in thought being re-introduced to the mainstream.

I’m not here to declare this album a classic because it’s way too soon for that, nor will I attempt to describe the sound or compare it to Good Kid, M.a.a.d City. What I will say is the thought it inspired within me.

This album perfectly captures the paradoxical (seemingly absurd or self-contradictory) nature of the American experience for many, black/white, rich/poor, male/female. It is the quintessential narrative of dual consciousness (the way in which we must simultaneously embrace two different cultural identities.)

“I remember you was conflicted
Misusing your influence
Sometimes I did the same
Abusing my power, full of resentment
Resentment that turned into a deep depression
Found myself screaming in the hotel room
I didn’t wanna self destruct
The evils of Lucy was all around me
So I went running for answers
Until I came home
But that didn’t stop survivor’s guilt”

Beyond these identity dualities, it addresses the economic and social climate provoked by the culmination of events in the past 7 years.

When the financial market collapsed and robbed millions of Americans their livelihood and created the Great Recession (2007-2009), there has been a shift in thought, stimulating the conversation of “individualism vs society” (refers to the tension or drama that results when an individual does not want to live within the confines of their culture or society.)

Rapid real time dissemination and accessibility of information amplified the longstanding issues of racism, sexism, and classism with what seems like thousands of videos (& voices via trolling) of injustices perpetrated by the rich and law enforcement against people of color, women, and poor people.

Thanks to sensationalism and advertising dollars, negative and harmful images dominated screens(TV, computer, smart phones). Racially motivated & senseless murders of black males by law enforcement captured on video, domestic violence against women, and the displacement of poor people by way of gentrification and a plethora of many other negative & harmful images became the norm . It became a misguided reality for many across the country. This challenged and redefined what many millennials from lower and middle class communities thought it meant to be an American.

#tbt The Harlem Renaissance was spawned by the end of World War 1 (1918) and the first Great Migration (1910-1930’s). Blacks moved north, became educated and acclimated to this new life. Black culture became popular and cool while white racism simultaneously became more rampant. As an outlet of expression & frustration, a community of black artists, scholars, writers, poets, and musicians in Harlem began to speak candidly about their identity and celebrate their culture while challenging this new Jim Crow racism and privileged abuse.

A renaissance has been emerging in the undercurrent of America the past 7 years as a mechanism to counter the regression we’re ridiculously experiencing and it was no longer solely a black thing. It is a renaissance for humanity. (I assume the regression is a result of some closet racists losing their shit when Obama became president.) The renaissance is revealing itself everyday through social networks, community events, arts, music, (and did I mention #BlackTwitter?)

To Pimp A Butterfly represents one of the many voices in this renaissance. It unravels the many layers of identity we were born into, systematically or traditionally, but are eager to change and transcend from for the sake of humanity. It is the voice of those that may not appreciate or understand its contribution immediately, but its their voice nonetheless. If you listen diligently, you just may hear something that may inspire something within you.

This album may not be for everyone, but it is for everyone.