I wrote about this encounter I had with an elderly lady at a futuristic thinkers conference in San Francisco in 2007. I almost forgot about this encounter, but thanks to Timehop for reminding me about this moment. I never realize how much I’ve grown or changed until I read this old experiences. It reminds that there is always room for growth and refining.

I’m disappointed that I don’t remember her name.

she told me she admired me and that i gave her the best laugh shes had in awhile and she needed it.

we talked about the warriors, online gambling sites, sambo kids eating watermelon, why preachers get gift bags for delivering prayers over food, and ways to help society.

we talked about the future and what it would be like. i told her several hopeful ideas and how it could be, and i even countered myself and told her i was scared of the future. i was scared because i dont know if people consider the future. i dont know how prepared they are for it. i dont know if they are strong enough for it. but most importantly, i didnt know if they were in control of their future.

she asked me how could someone who speaks so much of the millions of hopeful ideas that exist, think so negatively about it. i assumed i was starting to become jaded by my environment. then i realized the way i was thinking, many before me may have as well. and they eventually settled into those denigrated thoughts. jaded by their environment and for the future of their people.

i saw the look in her eyes and knew she didnt believe me. she knew it was merely an excuse.

then i told her how i really felt.

i told her that as long as i am alive there is always hope and the same for everyone else that feels as i do. and that although from time to time i get weary and weak, remembering my ancestors struggles, sacrifices, and the rich legacy they laid, renews my strength.

i told her that my jaded responses were a reflection of a fear, of doubt, within me that i didnt know how to confront yet, simply because i ultimately felt alone.

i told her i didnt think anyone understands me or understands what i do. that they dont understand me because i strive for something that even i dont quite understand yet. that everything i go for has been purely intuitive. that old apple jacks commercial feeling that cant be explained. that i do everything randomly and ironically like it is in some divine plan, after i do it it all makes sense. a dot is connected.

she then asked me why do i do what i do.

i told her because i feel like im supposed to. that it was done for me and i am returning the favor. and vice versa, that once upon a time i felt a certain way and i didnt want the next person to feel that same way. i told her about my experiences as a child with no father, no guidance from a man, no one to show me the way. i told her how easily influenced i was because i had no sense of who i was. i told her my anger problems. i told her about my vices. i told her about how i got kicked out the marines and how i went to jail.

and she listened with a warm smile. and again, she told me she admired me.

and again, i cracked a few more jokes, and she told me how much she needed that. and i smiled.

i would do anything to make her smile again.

she listened to me when the room wouldnt.

she heard my ideas on what could be done and she believed them.

she was a woman that just wanted to hear my story.

she told me i was different.

i like that lady. actually, i love her.

ive been yearning to write this experience down so i can capture it in its freshness so i can reflect back on it when i get down.

she was a seasoned woman. maybe in her 60’s or 70’s. and my spirit connected with hers as a grandmother-grandson would.

after everything was all said and done, i told her thank you for listening to me and that i apologized for talking so much about myself, that i sometimes have an arrogance about the things i do and that i was working on it.

she responded back saying that “you are so awake and aware of what you do that you are ahead of your time. i thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings with me. you have exceptional ideas and i would like to work with you and share some of my thoughts with you. if you could see yourself you would have no reason to even think as jaded as you did. you have brought me hope.”

we exchanged contact information and she told me that if i havent heard from her in a couple of months to contact her.

inside me, i was scared to wait a couple of months to see if she would contact me. like giving a girl your number you liked. i was hoping she would contact me the next week, or maybe even the next day. i told her i would probably contact her sooner, and she said that would be fine.

one of the things that was ironic though is, when i greeted myself to her, i did it with intentions of getting to know her and her history and understand why this elderly lady was at a futuristic thinkers conference. i knew she had a lot of information to share, but she kept insisting to learn about me.

instead, she helped me get to know me by listening to me without telling me what i should do, what i needed to do. she simply wanted to hear my story and it felt like a relief to tell her.